10 April 2013 - Pedihhhh
Dear diary,
It has been more than 2 months. Pedih lagi. Masih terlalu pedih. Semua perbuatannya masih jelas di ingatanku.
Did
i forgive him? NO! I don't. The thing he did is unforgivable. I'm
sorry. It's not that easy. Terlalu pedih. Terlalu payah untuk aku
lupakan.
Segala kata-katanya adalah pembohongan. Sudahlah
aku ditipu sepanjang bulan nov-jan, kemudian apabila perkara telah
selesai antara mereka, aku masih ditipu dengan jawapan-jawapan kepada
setiap persoalan yang aku ajukan. Dia ingat aku percaya? Tiada satu pun
jawapan yang aku percaya. Dalam hatiku, aku tahu dia masih mengingati
perempuan itu dan segala kenangan mereka.
Dia kata dia
malu? Aku rasa itu pun pembohongan. Aku yang malu. Teramat malu dengan
perbuatannya. Aku malu pada Allah. Semua kata-katanya, semua jawapannya
adalah pembohongan untuk menyedapkan hatiku. Namun aku tahu ianya
penipuan kerana jawapannya tidak selari. Dulu he said he thought he
loved her. Now he said dia cuma kesian. I knew he has feelings for her.
Kalo tidak takkan sanggup keluar setiap hari pagi tengahari petang dan
malam dan tak rasa bersalah langsung menipu aku. Sanggup berjumpa di
tempat kerja di Subang. Tak rehat lansung pun tak apa sedangkan aku
selalu merajuk kerana dia jarang menghubungi aku dan anak-anak ketika
dia kerja shift. Aku terasa hati kerana rasa seperti tidak diambil
berat. Tapi dengan perempuan itu, dia boleh keluar pada waktu rehat,
bersms dan call setiap masa walaupun aku disebelahnya. Tiada rasa
bersalah kan? Kerana kononnya dilamun cinta. Isteri tak dihargai.
Terlalu benci dia pada aku. Anak-anak di depan mata tetapi msg kekasih
juga dilayan. Ya dulu aku sedar dia all the time main sms. Hp di locked
dan password takmau bagi.
Macam mana dia boleh lakukan
semua itu? Macam mana dia tergamak buat semua itu? Apa yang dia
fikirkan? Kenapa aku diperlukan juga dalam hidupnya sedangkan dia
terlalu benci padaku. Tiada rasa sayang melainkan kebencian yang
meluap-luap. Tiada satu pun kebaikan pada diriku. Dia sendiri tak boleh
nak describe bila aku minta. Sehingga kini dia tidak salahkan diri dia
langsung kerana gagal mendidikku. Kenapa aku boleh jadi keras begitu?
Kenapa dia rasa aku tidak boleh dilenturkan? Dia dah try sehabis
mungkinkah untuk mengubahku?
Aku malu. Aku malu apabila
mengenangkan dia bercerita keburukanku pada perempuan itu. Mustahil dia
tidak bercerita apa-apa. Mana mungkin seorang perempuan secara tiba-tiba
merasakan dirinya boleh masuk ke dalam kehidupan seorang lelaki yang
mempunyai keluarga yang perfect. Entah apa yang dia ceritakan pada
perempuan itu. Aku malu kerana rahsia rumah tangga kami diceritakan
kepada orang lain. Adakah cerita atas katil juga diberitahu pada
perempuan itu? Kalau tidak masakan perempuan itu mahu melayan percakapan
lucah kan?
Aku tahu mereka telah berzina, telah bercium
mulut dan pipi, telah memegang tetek, telah membuka baju dan membuat
segala perkara terkutuk. Kalau tidak takkan dia tidak boleh bersumpah
dia tak pernah berzina, takkan dia tak boleh jawab dia tak pernah buat
perkara-perkara lebih dari berpegangan tangan, takkan perempuan itu
sanggup hantar gambar pakai bra sahaja bukan? Terlalu rendah dan murah
maruah perempuan itu. Adakah perempuan macam itu layak dijadikan isteri?
Aku wondering dimana mereka mempunyai kesempatan berbuat perkara
tersebut? Di waktu lunch mereka balik ke rumah perempuan itu? Di waktu
pagi lepas joging mereka buat kerja dalam kereta? Di waktu tengah malam
mereka menyelinap keluar ketika aku dan anak-anak sedang tidur? Ya Allah
tak malukah dan tidak rasa berdosakah dia padaMu ketika dia melakukan
perkara itu? Sekalipun ketika itu dia merasakan perbuatannya kerana
berlandaskan cinta, bersentuhan bukan muhrim dan berduaan begitu sudah
cukup berdosa. Dia bukan orang yang tak punya ilmu agama. Dia telah 5
tahun berkahwin denganku. Patutnya dia yang lebih mengembangkan
pengetahuan ilmu agamanya dan membimbing anak dan isterinya ke arah Mu
Ya Allah. Tapi Ya Allah, kenapa dia boleh buat dosa begitu? Kenapa dia
rasa dia boleh jadi pembimbing kepada orang lain sedangkan ketika itu
dia sendiri berbuat dosa kerana menipu, kerana bermain perasaan dengan
orang lain selain isterinya, kerana bersentuhan bukan muhrim.
Ya
Allah aku malu dengan perbuatan suamiku. Kenapa aku tidak tahu lebih
awal supaya dapat aku elakkan perkara tersebut dari lebih teruk berlaku.
Macam mana dia boleh tergamak bersetubuh denganku dan selepas itu
bermsg2 sayang dengan orang lain. Ya Allah kenapa kau tidak sedarkan dia
ketika itu? Apa lagi yang mereka buat dibelakangku Ya Allah? Apa yang
mereka bualkan, kemana mereka pergi bila mereka berjumpa. Ya Allah aku
ingin tahu semuanya. Kalau aku mempunyai cctv aku ingin lihat semuanya.
Aku ingin retrieve semua messagenya. Aku ingin dengar semua
perbualannya.
Ya Allah kalau aku boleh patah balik masa
aku ingin memperbetulkan segalanya. Kanapa kau tidak memberiku petunjuk
lebih awal? Aku terlalu kecewa ketika ini. Aku tidak tahu bagaimana
untuk melupakan perbuatannya. Aku tidak tahu apa yang aku inginkan. Ada
masa aku rasa ingin bercakap dengan perempuan itu dan mengetahui segala
perbuatan mereka. Ada kala aku rasa ingin maki hamun perempuan itu dan
memberitahunya bahawa dia perempuan yang tiada maruah dan tidak worth
hidupnya kepada sesiapa pun. Aku ingin menampar mukanya sekuat hatiku.
Aku ingin membuatkan dia balik ke sarawak dan hidup jauh dari kami. Ada
masa aku rasakan ingin melepaskan suamiku kerana selagi aku hdup
dengannya, perbuatannya terlalu menghantuiku. Aku rasa ingin
melepaskannya dan biarkan mereka berkahwin supaya apabila dia kehilangan
aku dan anak-anak, baru dia akan sedar kesalahannya.
Ada
masa aku rasa sangat putus asa untuk hidup. Malah aku berdoa agar Allah
menjemputku lebih awal. Rasa putus asaku terlalu hebat sehingga aku
tidak rasa kasihan pada anak-anakku sekiranya mereka tiada ibu lagi. Apa
gunanya aku ini? Aku bukan anak yang baik, bukan isteri yang baik, juga
bukan ibu yang baik. Aku replaceable. Tiada sesalan dalam hidup
sesiapapun sekiranya aku tiada di dunia ini. Aku tidak penting dalam
hidup sesiapapun. Ada pun tak apa, tak ada pun lebih baik. Aku yakin
anak-anakku boleh hidup tanpaku. Mereka masih kecil dan tak akan ingat
padaku.
Berdosakah aku kerana rasa putus asa begini? Tak
mampu aku elak perasaan ini setiap kali perbuatan suamiku menghantui
fikiranku. Aku terlalu menyesal atas apa yang berlaku. Terlalu marah
pada kegagalanku untuk menjadi isteri yang baik. Namun kadangkala aku
fikir, sebaik mana pun kita, kalau lelaki dah rasa bosan, sure dia akan
cari lain jugak.
Aku ingin ulang balik masa kepada ketika
usiaku 17 tahun. Ingin aku belajar kuat2 dan lead hidup aku ke arah
lain supaya semua ni takkan berlaku. Aku terlalu marah pada diriku Ya
Allah. Kenapa aku tidak sedar lebih awal? Kenapa suamiku tergamak curang
padaku?
Sakit Ya Allah. Terlalu sakit..terlalu sakit.
Hidup aku kini hanya sandiwara. Aku senyum namun hatiku menangis. Aku
nampak bahagia namun hatiku berdarah. Aku mahu kehidupan lain. Tolong
aku Ya Allah...Tolong beri petunjuk padaku..Tolong bukakan jalan padaku
dan tolong berikan yang terbaik untukku. Ampunkan aku atas dosa-dosaku
sebagai hambaMu, sebagai anak kepada ibu bapaku, sebagai isteri kepada
suamiku dan sebagai ibu kepada anak-anakku...Ampunkan aku Ya Allah...
A story of a heart broken woman
Thursday 6 June 2013
4 April 2013
4 April 2013 - Still hurt
Dear diary,
No one understands me. No one understands how hurt i am. Even the husband doesn't understand, did not even try to understand and what hurt me the most is that he avoid to understand.
He is the one who hurt me. He did this to me and he always run when i want to talk about it. How far can he run? How far can i chase? I nearly give up.
Sometimes i think that i should live alone with my kids. Let he do whatever he wants. Let him try anything that he thinks can be tried. But he should know one thing, that there is no turning back. He once made the biggest mistake in his life (I think so, dunno what he thinks). But he doesn't seem regret. He doesn't look sad or guilty. He doesn't want to talk about his feeling at all. Then what am i supposed to think about? Whoever in my situation would also think and feel negative. I don't know what to do. I'm hurt. I'm so hurt. I'm still hurt.
Dear diary,
No one understands me. No one understands how hurt i am. Even the husband doesn't understand, did not even try to understand and what hurt me the most is that he avoid to understand.
He is the one who hurt me. He did this to me and he always run when i want to talk about it. How far can he run? How far can i chase? I nearly give up.
Sometimes i think that i should live alone with my kids. Let he do whatever he wants. Let him try anything that he thinks can be tried. But he should know one thing, that there is no turning back. He once made the biggest mistake in his life (I think so, dunno what he thinks). But he doesn't seem regret. He doesn't look sad or guilty. He doesn't want to talk about his feeling at all. Then what am i supposed to think about? Whoever in my situation would also think and feel negative. I don't know what to do. I'm hurt. I'm so hurt. I'm still hurt.
18 Mac 2013
Time heals all wounds; so they say. i don't believe it. The wounds will always be there. i don't forgive and i don't forget. i don't know what will heal me from this wound but i pray that Allah will ease everything for me and protect me. I believe in Allah and i believe in doa.
18 Feb 2013
Semakin banyak aku tahu, semakin lega hati aku. Memang pedih masa find out tapi after that rasa lega especially if i could let him know what i knew..
He doesn't like it but its a relief for me.
She's a bad woman. She doesn't deserve to be happy coz her search for happiness is without dignity. Someday Allah will pay u for what u did to me and other women.
He doesn't like it but its a relief for me.
She's a bad woman. She doesn't deserve to be happy coz her search for happiness is without dignity. Someday Allah will pay u for what u did to me and other women.
17 Feb 2013
Kenapa hari ni hati rasa pilu sangat..
Aku sayang sangat kepada F****, A*** dan A***...tak terhingga melebihi nyawaku sendiri...
Aku pohon Kau kekalkanlah jodoh dan kebahagiann, rasa cinta dan sayang yang sangat kuat yang sedang aku rasa ketika ini buat selama-lamanya.
Aku rasa sayang sangat2 pada suamiku. Dia pula katanya jatuh cinta padaku buat pertama kali. Kami suka perasaan ini dan kami sangat2 harap ia bertahan lama dan kekal ke akhir hayat.
Aku sayang sangat kepada F****, A*** dan A***...tak terhingga melebihi nyawaku sendiri...
Aku pohon Kau kekalkanlah jodoh dan kebahagiann, rasa cinta dan sayang yang sangat kuat yang sedang aku rasa ketika ini buat selama-lamanya.
Aku rasa sayang sangat2 pada suamiku. Dia pula katanya jatuh cinta padaku buat pertama kali. Kami suka perasaan ini dan kami sangat2 harap ia bertahan lama dan kekal ke akhir hayat.
15 Feb 2013
It's been 20 days since i found out about kecurangan my husband.
I still could not forget them even though i tried.
I still woke up at nights thinking about them.
I am still so mad at her. I will never forgive her until the end of my life perempuan perampas suami orang. Semoga Allah membalas yang sewajarnya pada kamu kerana perangai jahat kamu yang cuba merosakkan rumahtangga orang.
I forgive him i love him so much. I miss him every single minutes.
But i'm sorry i could not forget this. It's too painful.
Help me Ya Allah. :(
I still could not forget them even though i tried.
I still woke up at nights thinking about them.
I am still so mad at her. I will never forgive her until the end of my life perempuan perampas suami orang. Semoga Allah membalas yang sewajarnya pada kamu kerana perangai jahat kamu yang cuba merosakkan rumahtangga orang.
I forgive him i love him so much. I miss him every single minutes.
But i'm sorry i could not forget this. It's too painful.
Help me Ya Allah. :(
14 Feb 2013
Today is valentine's day.
I love u so much my F****.
I will keep on fighting for our love and marriage.
Please don't leave me.
I love u so much my F****.
I will keep on fighting for our love and marriage.
Please don't leave me.
10 Feb 2013
Today is..our honeymoon trip to Hatyai. Just the two of us.
I miss my babies so very much :(
I miss my babies so very much :(
9 Feb 2013
Yesterday..his answer to one question really hurts me..really really hurts me..
Sometimes i think i dont need any answer because it would be too painful. But if he doesnt answer, i'll make up the answer by myself which is even more stressful.
I pray that Allah will ease this for me. I don't want to remember her anymore. I don't want to remember them anymore. I don't want to keep blaming myself and kutuk diri sendiri anymore.
I just want to be happy..
I want him to love me unconditionally. I want to feel his love.
I love u A*** and A***. So very much. Please don't leave mama. Promise.
Sometimes i think i dont need any answer because it would be too painful. But if he doesnt answer, i'll make up the answer by myself which is even more stressful.
I pray that Allah will ease this for me. I don't want to remember her anymore. I don't want to remember them anymore. I don't want to keep blaming myself and kutuk diri sendiri anymore.
I just want to be happy..
I want him to love me unconditionally. I want to feel his love.
I love u A*** and A***. So very much. Please don't leave mama. Promise.
8 Feb 2013
Last nite i woke up at 230 am and could not sleep back. That is what happened to me for this past 2 weeks. I couldn't sleep because all i think is about them;
What have they been doing behind my back all this while?
What did they talk about? What did they talk about in their sms, call or when they met each other?
When did he called her? During office hour? But he always said to me that he's really busy at work. How did he managed to give time for her but not for me?
Where and when did they met behind my back? How many times? When? After work? During work? At night? On the weekend?
How long did they knew each other through sms before they decided to go on a blind date?
How long did he take to start calling her sayang?
Why did he called her sayang and not felt guilty towards his wife whom he called sayang long time ago?
When did he started calling her sayang? Why? Did he really felt sayang for her?
Why did they talk about sex? If not directly, i knew she meant sex when she conversed with him. I knew he also meant to talk about sex with her.
Did he touch her? Kiss her? Or hug her?
Did he give her his picture?
Why did he deleted all the sms and calls between them? What is there so secret to keep from me?
Why did he felt like marrying her is a good decision? If yes, did he really think through about me and the kids? Or he just think about him and her only? Then why didn't he let me go?
Who did he really felt sympathize for? Me or her?
Did he really really love me? Why did he choose me?
Didn't they feel ashamed about what they have been doing behind my back? Berlaku curang kepada isteri tidak malukah? Menjalinkan hubungan dengan suami orang tidak malukah? Tak malu dan takut pada Allah kah?
I knew when he started knowing her, his anger and hatred for me grows stronger because he doesn't care anymore coz he has someone else.
She's beautiful and i'm not. She's perfect and i'm way behind her. He didn't say this for he doesn't want to hurt me but i knew how he felt. I knew he remembers and misses her everyday.
I am sad. Very very sad. :(
I am mad. I am very very mad at myself, him and her.
I wish i could turn back time so that this thing would never happened. I wish i knew my mistakes by some other means. Maybe he could tell me honestly how he felt in this past 5 years of our marriage instead of curang with her behind my back.
How could he not felt guilty going out with her, sms her whilst me and the kids are beside him. How could he? How could he not felt guilty going out with her whilst me and the kids were waiting for him at home?
I knew this thing happened primarily because of my fault for not being a good wife but i never thought he would do such thing towards me. How do i move on with my life if i could not sleep at night, could not do any work during daytime, could not be alone coz all i could think of is about this thing.
I'm hurt...so bad.. :((
7 Feb 2013
Today is..well i don't know whats my mood rite now..
The only thing i surely know is that i love my husband and i miss him every single minutes..
I think i never felt like this before. Even masa bercinta and masa baru kawin pun tak rasa geram asyik nak peluk2 je dengan dia all the time..
Dah 12 hari berlalu..memang susah nak lupa. I don't know what he thinks. Whether he still remembers her or not but i remember her everyday. Feel like talking to her to pour my heart out. I hope i can forget her soon coz i really hate this feeling.
The only thing i surely know is that i love my husband and i miss him every single minutes..
I think i never felt like this before. Even masa bercinta and masa baru kawin pun tak rasa geram asyik nak peluk2 je dengan dia all the time..
Dah 12 hari berlalu..memang susah nak lupa. I don't know what he thinks. Whether he still remembers her or not but i remember her everyday. Feel like talking to her to pour my heart out. I hope i can forget her soon coz i really hate this feeling.
6 Feb 2013
Below is my feeling the other day. I almost end my life cos i couldn't accept the news and i couldn't think rationally.
Aku bersyukur Ya Allah aku masih bernafas hari ini untuk suami dan anak-anakku.
Aku bersyukur Ya Allah aku masih bernafas hari ini untuk suami dan anak-anakku.
Wednesday 5 June 2013
5 Feb 2013
Today is..not wonderful..yet
He said it's over...I do not believe that 100% but i really hope it's over.
I just wanna forget this and move on with my life happily..It's not easy for me to go through this, to forget all this but i really hope Allah will ease everything for me..
I love him so much no one could ever replace him in my life.
He said it's over...I do not believe that 100% but i really hope it's over.
I just wanna forget this and move on with my life happily..It's not easy for me to go through this, to forget all this but i really hope Allah will ease everything for me..
I love him so much no one could ever replace him in my life.
28 Jan 2013
Aku sujud padaMu Ya Allah mohon janganlah dia tinggalkan aku dan anak-anak..janganlah dia bahagikan kasih sayangnya yang satu antara kami..
Kalau tidak bagaimana aku nak teruskan hidup?
Aku lebih rela mati.
Aku mohon pertolonganMu Ya Allah..
Kalau tidak bagaimana aku nak teruskan hidup?
Aku lebih rela mati.
Aku mohon pertolonganMu Ya Allah..
27 Jan 2013
27 Jan 2013 - The heart broken day
The day my heart crushed when he admitted to have another person in his life.
Aku menangis tak henti dari jam 6 petang hingga 4 pagi. Tak boleh tidur kerana terlalu sakit kepala dan ada 1001 soalan dalam kepalaku..
The day my heart crushed when he admitted to have another person in his life.
Aku menangis tak henti dari jam 6 petang hingga 4 pagi. Tak boleh tidur kerana terlalu sakit kepala dan ada 1001 soalan dalam kepalaku..
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